For Inhibited, Shy People:
--Start with eye contact and audible sounds. Let your partner know how you are feeling. Try heavy breathing. Or try moaning like you mean it. (Maybe hold off on screaming, but it’s okay to try if you want). Get vocal. When your partner asks, “oh, do you like that?’ say “mm, yes, it feels so good when you do it like that.”
--If your partner doesn’t ask you, ask them “do you like when I…?” or “do you want me to…?” Starting to ask questions and responding with openness and no judgment is a great beginning.
Now that you’ve got your mouth working, whenever you’re ready, you can take it up a notch.
Intimate-talk, the next level:
--You’re now tuning into your lover’s responses. You are letting your lover know what you like. That’s good. Also, you’re getting comfortable with intimate talk, and you’re turned on enough to start asking for what you want and taking suggestions.
--Now try saying things like, “I want to be on top of you,” or, “Do you want to feel my tongue?” and other things that may seem a little risky. Think of this: You are making yourself vulnerable, and that kind of exchange is likely to be reciprocated.
For Those Comfortable with Intimate Talk:
-- You’re at the point where you can ask your man to keep sucking your clit and not be in a hurry, or can suggest a rim job to your wife. You’re reciprocating. Mixing it up, having fun. It’s now time for fantasyland. Sharing sexual fantasies takes a lot of trust and requires a willing and safe environment in your relationship. It is also okay to gently tell your partner when something is not acceptable to you, but be gentle, not judgmental. Most people have no idea why some fantasies are so appealing. The mind is the greatest source of the erotic so try opening your mind to possibilities. Pretending is fun.
--What are those things that you only imagine, but that you want to make a playful reality? It’s game time. Ask your lover what his or her sexual fantasies are, and start playfully making them happen in the privacy of your own lives. One couple in our research, for example, met periodically in a bar and pretended to pick one another up. Others secretly wrote scripts and pretended to be double agents, or surgeons, or students and professors, and so on. Later in the evening they went home together or went to a hotel.
The Highest Level of Intimate Talk:
--By the time you get to this level, you’ve noticed significant changes in your relationship. You’ve become closer. Sex is more personal. You’re sharing with each other more openly about all topics, not just sex. Not only that but you’re also more confident in your partnership and more successful in initiating and refusing sex in a positive manner. You are cherishing qualities of your partner that make him or her unique.
--Your passion is back. You’re excited about each other physically and emotionally. There’s more respect in the relationship.
--Now that you’ve erased any residual embarrassment or discomfort from your sex life and gotten down with your kinkier, sexier, more reciprocal selves you can look forward to a rewarding passionate sex life that’s as open to change as you are.
All for now,
The Gottman Institute